A Wild Week for Wild Willis

Hey guys! I'm really sorry about not updating more regularly but I've been taking a sabbatical from blogging for a week to try and finally beat GTA IV (a fantastic game that haunts my dreams and will not end, goddamit!). Anyways, now I'm swamped with trying to finish my intern project for the zoo with the little time that I have outside of work. I'm in the final stretch of my internship (only a week left, AGH!) and it's going be really sad when I'm done, but I'm definitely psyched to be done and go back to SCHOOL, DAMN.

Okay okay, so I've got to type this up really quick so that I can get to work on that shit, as well as my KARL shit (here's lookin' at you, Walsh). The theme of this post is anger, because when I go a long time without spillin' it to you guys, all I can remember is the stuff that makes me pissed. So moral of the story: This is going to be a fast and angry post, just like the way I like my... Well, you get it.

So I don't understand how some of these "lite rock" stations on the radio can honestly say that they're playing "today's lite hits" and then immediately follow that with some Alannis Morisette song from 1996. Like, seriously, it's NOT fresh if its more than 10 years old! I hate to sound like a music snob, but I've realized that most popular music makes my ears want to vomit diarrhea, especially if it's from anytime between January 1991 and December 2001. You heard it here first: in the future, these years will come to be known as Father Time's Asshole.

Next, I'm going to take a page from my friend Ethan's book and talk a little about Hollywood (even though he threatened me with death and/or castration). I just want to say that I hate scary movies. Really, really dislike them. It's because I'm overly susceptible to the scariness of movies. And Hollywood has recently developed this really crappy habit of making scary movies carefully tailored around a single theme. FOR EXAMPLE, the new movie Mirrors, about evil mirrors or some shit. All I know is that I can't even sit through a preview without running the risk of not sleeping that night. And the way they spell "mirror" is with a backwards second "r," you know, like a mirror. O ya, I see what you did there, movie producers. That's really cute! But I'd really like the ability to piss in front of my bathroom mirror again. It's not just mirrors, though. Here's a list of things that I'm frightened of either partially or totally because of scary movies: partially opened doors, mirrors, corners of rooms (especially the top ones), large bodies of water, clowns, shower curtains, the Deep South, and many more, all of which is made worse if it's dark out. That's just off the top of my head. And I kid you not, a preview for fucking Mirrors just came on and I shat myself. Fuckin pissin me off.

Anyways, have a nice night. I've got work to do!

P.S. America's Best Dance Crew is a fantastic show. I highly recommend it to everyone.

This One's For Rabbi Neal Schiendlin

Why hello, blogulators. So it's been a while since I really laid it all out for you guys, so to speak. I'm talking about the real important stuff in life: ME. There's been a lot going on lately, and we've been beating around the bush just a tad. I'm feeling some distance between us... Where's the loyal readership that I fell in love with? I used to write my blogs all night for you, and we'd just laugh and laugh until you seriously thought you were going to crap your pants and then I told that story about the robot I met in Canada and then you actually did crap your pants and you got really embarassed about it and made up some excuse about lightbulbs... Ah, good times. Anyways, I'm taking this chance to rekindle the romance we once had: the beautiful connection blogger and bloggee.

It's definitely been an extended period of time since I told you guys about my animals, and I realized that I had never even told you about all the orangutans. So here's my shout-out to Maggie, Brunei, Schnitz, and Pepper: If you're reading this, holy fuck how did you get out of holding and learn how to use a computer? But seriously, working with the orangs was my distinct pleasure and I'm sincerely going to miss hanging out with these insanely smart animals every day.

This, of course, is because I've officially started in South America this week, and boy has it been a doozy. Just when I was getting used the routine in Asia, everything gets switched up and I have to learn an entirely new run. But I'm definitely enjoying getting to work with the spider( monkey)s and capuchins, who I'm already getting to know a little better.

The spiders are really, really cool because they have their extremely dextrous prehensile tails that they use as an extra limb. It's so cool to watch them stick their tails through the mesh and pick up a raisin two feet away using just their tails! Another crazy aspect of the spiders is that, like the colobus monkeys in Africa, they have no thumbs. To me, the thumb is such an intrinsic part of what makes a primate, and to see these monkeys that have totally lost them through evolution is super neato, to say the least.

The capuchins are incredibly cute, as well, what with all the baby "ooh-ooh"ing that they do. They all have really funny hair-dos, like Alexia who has the exact same hair as Kramer from Seinfeld and Eli who looks like a tiny monkey metal head/ Pokemon. You'd have to see him to believe it, but he's quite possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Of course, there's Jutal the tapir and Velcro the giant anteater, as well as all the tiny Callitrichids (Golden Lion Tamarins, Cotton Tops, and Callimicos). I'm sure I'll have plenty more to say about them later, but right now you'll have to take my word that everyone in South America is super cute.

So before I go to bed, I'd like to just point out two things. One: Real World. I just watched the reunion and it was so weird/ awesome. I can't wait until my Real World cast has our reunion and we talk about all those times we got fucked up in the Sea of Tranquility. Two: I'm officially designing a shirt for Threadless. If you're as excited about this as I am, just wait until you see the kick-assed-ness of it all. I'm setting up a time table as we speak, but we should be looking at a submission sometime in late August. First clue: It's gonna be hot.

Anyways, it was fun, everybody, but I'm tired as hell. Peace out to my homies.

A Vote! I Demand A Vote!

Okay, guys. I'm seriously having a lot of trouble deciding whether I should cut my hair or not.

I really, really liked my hair when it was long as hell last year, but it was a little out of hand by the time the winter holidays rolled around...

Reference photo:


I decided to get my hair cut, and it was a great decision. It was one of the best haircuts I have ever gotten, and undoubtedly the ladies loved me for it.

Reference photo:
Sorry for the quality of both pictures, but I just realized that I don't have a single normal picture of myself on record. (Also, oddly enough, I'm wearing the same shirt in both pictures... Spoooooo-ky!)

Right now I feel that my hair looks okay, but not fantastic, but it has the potential of growing our and looking really super awesome like it once did if I just stick to my guns. But I have this nagging feeling that I should just get it cut and look good as hell with short hair... That's why I need your help, loyal readership. If you are reading this sentence, I hereby obligate you to place your vote as to which hair-do or -don't you prefer. A comment in response to this post will do just fine.

I'm counting on you, America.

P.S. I would just like to mention how completely awesome LCD Soundsystem are. Please check out either their self-titled debut album or their more recent Sound of Silver. Seriously great stuff.

A Real Quick One

Good evening, boys and girls! Before I doze off, I thought I'd write a real quick post to keep myself honest and let you know what's good.

1. The Real World. Words cannot describe my love for this fucking show. Mark my words, I will undoubtedly be cast for Real World 27: The Moon. This season was phenomenal, and I'm super bummed that it's over. I almost miss the thirty minute episode format (for those of you that are out of the loop, shame on you, but this season was the first with one hour episodes...), because as much fun as I have with these episodes, the season is over so much quicker.


2. My iPod. It's my best friend, but I've been neglecting it lately. This week is officially Clean Up Your iPod Week, so join me by going through your iPod and getting rid of all that useless shit. I know you still have Fall Out Boy on there... Don't worry, you were young and stupid. Just get rid of it, and I won't tell anyone. See, doesn't that feel better?


3. Brendan Frasier. Seriously, who THE FUCK does he think he is? I thought that when I saw previews for Journey to the Center of the Earth I had seen the worst show of Brendanfrasierism (n: the act of cranking out shitty movies) since Monkeybone. But then shit happened. The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. WHAT THE FUCK, HOLLYWOOD!?

Now I must leave you, but please let me know what you think. Peace out, I'm tired.

P.S. Congrats, Alex. Here's to finding the hot, male version of your soulmate.

The Camera Phone Chronicles

Hey hey, blogheads. I know, I know... I'm a terrible person for not updating my blog with more regularity. But that's what waking up at 4:00 in the morning does to you. I'm lucky to even make it home and shove food down my craw before passing out for the night. Anyways, I'm finally letting you guys in on my little secret that I had planned for last week. It's a new segment I call "The Camera Phone Chronicles," or CPC for short (Sound familiar, WashU people? Good... It shouldn't.). The premise is that I've been taking a lot of random pictures ever since I started working at the zoo, and I was looking back on them and thinking about all the stories behind them. And then I thought about you guys, and how much you love listening to my stories... IT'S A PERFECT MATCH! Now, prepare yourselves for a fantastic voyage into the private life of your very own Wild Willis. [Insert warp noise]

Note: Please feel free to click on any of these pictures for a bigger size and better resolution.


To begin with, a picture of Bana, one of my favorite gorillas at the zoo, snapped just a few days ago. As awesome a gorilla as she is, she's often overlooked and under-appreciated because she's the subordinate member of the group. People mistake her for a male all the time because she doesn't have an infant, and unfortunately might never get the chance to raise one of her own. She's extremely caring and gentle with the babies, and can often be found hanging out near Nadaya (her nephew). She's such a great gorilla and I wish more people took the time to understand her instead of saying "That monkey's boring," after five seconds and rushing on.


Next up, a somewhat blurry image of Half-Life's own Gordon Freeman. The key feature of this picture are his kick-ass glasses which I would totally rock. It is undeniable that with a similar haircut, those classic sexy scientist glasses, and well-trimmed facial hair, I would be greater than of equally ballin'.


So this next picture is probably the pinnacle of my camera-phoning skills. I saw this girl wearing this pair of ridiculously short shorts and had to capture the moment on pholm (my hereby made-up word for the film that a camera phone uses... pronounced: fulm). Unfortunately, my phone's camera has this annoying (and not to mention incriminating) shutter sound that you can't totally shut off, even if you silence the phone. That doesn't even make sense to me; why does a camera phone that doesn't even have a shutter need to make a shutter sound when it takes a picture? I guess it's part of Samsung's anti-creepster strategy: people won't take creepy, voyeuristic pictures if there's a chance that they'll have to face the social repercussions after being betrayed by a loud shutter noise... Well, I guess I showed you, huh Samsung!? Suck it! My strategy was to pretend to look through my contacts for my favorite pizza joint while snagging the shot on the down-low (Insider Tip: Loudly muttering "Pizza" over and over helps to weave the illusion while simultaneously masking the telltale click.). Although I ended up looking like some kind of cracked-out Little Ceasar's mascot, I got the shot and that's all that really matters in the end.


This next pic is little more than a visual shout-out to my brotha from anotha Jewish motha, E-Baby Stern. I pass this building every day on my walk to the Metra Station and can't help but think about my Hebrew counterpart. Mazeltov, Ethan!


Wacky Races: quite possibly the best cartoon of all time. The premise is that a slew of Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters are called together to enter a race of a decidely wacky nature in order to win bragging rights over all the other characters. Each racer had a themed car and booby traps, and we can most likely thank this series for MarioKart, Diddy Kong Racing, and all the other classic racing games out there where all-star characters are pitted against each other. I absolutely loved this series growing up, but apparently I was the only one, because I've talked to several people about this show and no one has any idea of what I'm talking about. Well, this game is proof that it really existed and I'm not totally crazy... Vindication is mine!


Not only do I have wacky animal adventures in the zoo, but outside the zoo, as well! I found this swarm of ants (with my hand for size reference) on my way to Brookfield and absolutely freaked out. It's definitely the biggest group of ants I've ever seen. Crazy, huh?


Now, to round out this bunch of pictures, I give you the World's Ugliest Polo Shirt. EVER. This shirt just crapped on America.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this edition of the CPC, and I'll talk to you guys soon.